if nothing ever changes

[Sigh]. I bend to pack my bags, three big boxes filled with clothes, bags, shoes and underwear stare at me. I stand to straighten my back, my life does feel a little bent and I ache all over. I rest on the wall as my mind drifts as fast as the wind, bringing a breeze of thoughts and pictures to my mind. I’m packed, ready to leave you, yet the sting of fear bids me to cajole you till your faith beams and overshadows your fears. We could work this out, we can overcome. A tear drops, I dust it off.

Courage, my dear friend, be brave.

I honestly wonder, why do things change? Why can’t we have all the summers we long so deeply for? Be baked in the sun and dance in the pool of warmth? Why can’t I always have you?

Yes, I dread change. I hate it.

I hate change because it requires you to be strong; it forces you to take a leap in faith. Sometimes, it challenges you to wash and re-wash your memories till they fade. Just like memories of you and me, with so much of our lives planned. We wanted our house by the lake, far far away from the hustle and bustle of the city; nested in a corner of peaceful splendour. Our two children: a girl and a boy, run along the shores of deep blue waters, dancing in the pitter-patter of the rain. I would have a chair by the window, and peep at the sea with longing in my eyes. You would travel the world, painting it with your masterpieces, the architect of dreams.

We had so many plans built in our fallible minds, but today none rings true anymore, the constant distance and fights push me to ask, "Is there another woman? Dammit answer me."

"I just need time.”

You need time, time that takes you slowly drifting away from me. Time will builds bridges that I have to drive through for too long to get to you. Time will constructs walls by laying bricks – steadily and securely – till the wall of your heart is high up, unable to see me. I don't want the lies of more time.

I ask myself, as I pack my bags piece by piece, “Where do I begin?”

My best friend’s voice whispers with a tenderness, "From the beginning, from here."

"I can't do this; it's too dark, too hard. Four years of my life wasted."

"Be brave, face every day with a conviction to be happy. Have so much hope, it kills your fears."

I pack my bags, piece by piece and close your door.

A year later

Dear Wilma,

I ask again, “Why do things change?” I still have no answer. I understand your husband passed away two days ago. Tim was truly the best. He made me believe in true affection for another. I am happy that Tim lived a good life and I know you are probably going through a lot of changes right now; but let me share with you a little discovery I made after I left William.

I learnt that if nothing ever changes, I wouldn't have felt the rush of adrenaline that signaled the release of my dreams as I held my first book. I finally have proof that I write. If nothing ever changes, I would have underestimated the enormous strength I posses; too fearful to move on, I would have held on to a dream, a dream that may never have come to pass. And time would slowly yet swiftly blow by. Change comes whether we accept it or not, it needs no one’s consent. Today will change to tomorrow. It’s the constant of life, this change. So, as you go through this day, remember what your voice whispered to me a year ago.

You ask, “Where do I begin?”

I whisper with tenderness, "From the beginning, from here."

"I can't do this; it's too dark, too hard. I can’t live without him."

"Be brave, face every day with a conviction to be happy. Have so much hope, it kills your fears."

Wilma, though I am yet to build my lake house, birth my little boy and girl, or stand by my dream husband, with a smile of "I do." I do have a peace that surpasses all understanding, a joy, like chills of excitement burning my bones, because I anticipate what change may drive along my way; more importantly, how beautiful the journey would be. You may not believe it now, but there is still so much to achieve, so much to look forward to, even with Tim gone.

Lots of love,

Amy.

                                

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I have missed writing, but the simple truth is I have been swamped; there is so much work to do, and a lot of self-development goals to achieve. The best news of all, I just created a blog on WordPress. I like WordPress, I get to meet lots of amazing writers. It’s like a community for creativity and craziness. I love it. 

Check and follow my WP blog here… http://shallyashimi.wordpress.com/

                    Thanks for reading.  

                    Have a good week.